My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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