My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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