I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
