Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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