i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
