1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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