Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
