i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize