I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
