Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
