soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
