OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
