theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Randomize
