The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize