rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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