hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
