omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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