My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
