My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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