You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Dear god my vagina.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
