It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize