You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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