There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
