the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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