last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
