All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Drunk is not a location!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
