PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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