Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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