well I can't set my house on fire every night
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
