I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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