Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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(312): View more from Illinois

If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.

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(281): View more from Texas

seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."

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(425): View more from Washington

You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.

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(516): View more from New York

My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.

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(951): View more from California

Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce

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