I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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