He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
