the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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