So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sober January is a disaster.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
