So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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