My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My butt remains clenched, sir.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
