my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
