Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
