I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
