Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
