We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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