I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just cropdusted the office
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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