Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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