Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
