we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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