apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
