Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
