Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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