just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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