i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
