i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
