Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
