whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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