did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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