There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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