i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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