I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
